Posts Tagged: Relationship pain

16 June
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My quest to find the man of my dreams

Its been a while since I blogged but after receiving endless tweets and emails asking for updates here I am. Check me out being in demand! :)

For those of you that haven’t followed my blogs before I am a complete open book, I like to share everything straight from the heart because I know so many of you can relate to what I have been through. In a nutshell – way too much heartache! On my quest to meet the man of my dreams I will not settle for anything less than perfection. I would like to meet a kind giving man but I know he also has to be super fun, I do not mean giving in the material sense but someone that will go above and beyond for me everyday as I would for the person I love. I am so over being with selfish, self absorbed men.

Thank god for my friends who have listened to me rant on and on about this for months!

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Let’s rewind seven months. I had been single for just under a year and no such luck on the dating circuit! A friend of mine Marc set me up on a date with his work colleague Paul and this was the first guy for a long time that I felt could be right. We got on great but before long there were a lot of red flags. Mainly he told me he didn’t want a girlfriend so we all know what this means. I carried on seeing Paul whilst still dating other guys, I guess I was hopeful that Paul would change his mind but in the meantime I wasn’t going to put my life on hold for him. The problem was all the time I was seeing Paul I was never really interested in any of the poor guys that I went on dates with so it was counter productive and a waste of time.

Paul was really confusing because one minute he would be totally full on with me and the next he would disappear. He even suggested some kind of future with me at one point and whilst deep down I knew I didn’t want to be with a guy like this long term I was somehow drawn in. Maybe it was the challenge or the need to conquest him. My friends would all say to me, Nicola you don’t actually want him, you just don’t like losing because normally you can take your pick, I wouldn’t have gone that far but maybe that’s the truth. In hindsight his lack of ambition and drive would have bored me to tears eventually anyway.

If in doubt just go out with the girls and do a few shots!

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Now we are in March and somehow stumble across a book called…… wait for it. The Power Of The P***y. With a name like this you know it is going to be an intellectual read so of course I downloaded it straight away to listen to on audio at bed time. Girls this book changed my life but it wasn’t easy!!!! I have read so many books and I will list all of my favorites at the bottom of the blog but this one for me gave me all the tools I needed to sift through a fair few men to find the man of my dreams.

Available to buy at amazon here.

The biggest lesson I learned from this book is the game! The game is not a nice game in my eyes but 100% necessary and I was fully committed even though its something I would never have done before, I have obviously NOT been getting it right so far so why not try something new.

“You need to have four guys on the go at once”

The Game

You need to have four guys on the go at once…….. as I read this my eyes popped out of my head and my jaw dropped to the ground. Four guys at once, how an earth am I going to manage this????!!!!! Let me make a very important point here, you do not sleep with any of them!!!! There is a two month rule where by each guy you are with will prove himself to you, what is he willing to do to make you feel special? Does he go that extra mile? Does he call when he says he will? Do you meet his friends? Does he still want to see you when you don’t invite him in? Ultimately if a guy is completely into you he wont mind waiting however long it takes for the good stuff, mean while he is falling head over heals in love with you. Well this is what the book says. The book tells you to treat the men as you would a hob (so random I know) The two guys that are doing the most work get to the front of the hob and receive the most attention and the other two sit at the back until they prove otherwise. My god what happened to just meeting someone and falling in Love and it just feeling right? This is how it should happen in my eyes but apparently not. Grrrrrr I have spent so long wishing for a fairytale like romance and now I have resorted in playing games!!!

I want this!

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My next blog will be revealing the four guys I put on the hob! Just give me a few days to get permission to use there pictures…. Not sure how I am going to manage this one, I am friends with them all still so I hopefully it should be easy (apart from the one I suspected had a girlfriend or some other kind of secret life – no names mentioned Paul).

In the meantime it’s me and the Princess Poppy taking on the world! :)

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As promised other books I found really good on the same subject are below.

He’s Just Not That Into You

Why Men Love B*****s

It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken

12 July
1

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The man that found me impossible to be with, and without

So I had a boyfriend once who loved me so much that he found it impossible to live without me, but at the same time impossible to be with me. Those were his exact words. It doesn’t really make sense does it, read on and it will.

Before I continue, let me tell you that we were so in love, our love life was mostly incredible, we fancied the pants off each other, socialised with friends and generally got on very well – our compatibility was not the problem.

The pain of this relationship was horrendous because I didn’t understand how he could love me so much but treat me so badly. Of course it makes perfect sense to me now. He really did love me that much but his overwhelming love sent him into a crazy sense of insecurity that caused him to the act like a complete idiot.

Me with Poppy

Me with Poppy

As part of the therapy I have been in for “loving too much”, it’s all about understanding what it is that they do. In the true spirit of the “loving too much” pattern, I ended up blaming myself for everything that was going wrong. If I change this, if I do that, if I buy this. STOP!!!! I can hear my therapist shouting at me……

“Nicola can’t you see, you are a beautiful women inside and out but this is the problem! Nothing you do will change the qualities in this man for him to be able to handle everything that is so great about you. Of course he hides behind an emotional barrier, pushes you away, seeks attention from other women and claims he can’t be himself around you. He is an incredibly insecure man that feels inferior around you.

“In psychological terms this is called an inferiority complex and inferiority comes from severe insecurity. So to act against his true feelings towards you which is love is to protect himself from every feeling of insecurity eating him up inside. Of course this is a subconscious feeling in him, therefore it would really take some doing to change it because, in his eyes, this isn’t the problem”

So messed up isn’t it? The man that adores this beautiful women will never actually get to keep the girl he is so utterly in love with, he is far to busy pointing the finger and looking elsewhere for an answer as to why he feels this way instead of actually facing himself. You know what the crazy thing is, generally he isn’t a bad person but insecurity can lead us to act in the most ridiculous of ways.

Me with Sheree Murphy on holiday recently in Marbs

Me with Sheree Murphy on holiday recently in Marbs

So what’s my advice here. You must not blame yourself for his ill behaviour in your relationship. It’s his own insecurities that lead him to treat you the way he does – constant rejection, keeping you at arm’s length, constantly picking out faults in you, and even cheating. This is his problem not yours! Don’t become a shadow of yourself, tip-toeing around him, loosing self-esteem and self-worth because of someone else’s issues. Sadly he may not ever change so you may have to face the reality of spending forever with a man like this or make the brave decision to move on.

I have been giving you little snippets from the book I am writing about “loving too much”. I really hope I can help the many wonderful women who feel so much pain within there relationships. You guys have given me the most amazing feedback about the “love” blogs, which has given me the confidence to write a book, so thank you so much!

Love, Nic x

25 June
2

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Being sad: the end of a relationship

Being sad because I didn’t feel sad…

Something made me sad this week. For a long time I have woken up every morning with an ache in my heart and an empty feeling in my tummy because, from the second I open my eyes, the first thing I think about is the fact I am not with the man I love anymore. But this week something happened… I woke up on Wednesday, ate breakfast, pottered about, had a shower and sat in front of the mirror to dry my hair  and then I realised it was the first day for months that he wasn’t the first thought in my head. This is huge, right? I mean this is some serious progress. But then came the sinking feeling again – does this mean he has stopped thinking about me too?

As crazy as it sounds, I had wished and prayed for the night to come where he wasn’t all I dreamt about. To wake up and just think about anything other than him! Well this day came and it still left me with sadness! Do we just love a bit of pain or what? Am I really admitting to being sad because I didn’t feel sad?!

Relationship woes

I totally realise that this is all a process and time is the best remedy for a broken heart. There are times where you wish you could hide away in a dark room for days and you don’t ever think you will get over the pain. But before you know it you get these moments, like I did, when you realise that you’re making progress.

Despite my moment of feeling sad for the sake of feeling sad, I am in a pretty awesome place right now. I can honestly say I haven’t felt this complete in myself ever! I have the most exciting business opportunities and I have met the most amazing people over the last few weeks. My feet haven’t touched the ground and I feel truly grateful for the new path I am on. I can’t wait to share it all with you in more detail, however it’s pretty late now and I am off to Turkey tomorrow to visit the factory that are making all the garments for my fashion label so I am going to pop myself off to bed.

The moral of this blog is a simple one – have faith in time, it really is the best healer. Each baby step is HUGE progress! Be proud of every little step because they all count.

I’ll be back soon!

Nx

17 June
10

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Women who love too much

Loving too much is an actual addiction for some people, as destructive as gambling and even alcohol. I’m learning about this addiction that affects so many women, leading to painful and destructive relationships.

There was a point in my life that I “loved too much” and for 18 months the relationship tore my heart out time and time again. I finally lost all my confidence and self-esteem, leading me to a world of constant insecurity and a complete lack of self-worth.  Luckily for me I’m fairly open-minded so I took myself off to see a therapist that specialises in this type of feeling within relationships. And thank god I did!  From that point on I was able to see that my desperation for a fairytale relationship was causing me to love too much, i.e. I was suffering from a ‘love addiction’.  With this ‘diagnosis’ and a true understanding of the effects I was finally able to let go and move as far away as possible from a man that had me on a piece of string for way longer than I should have allowed. Something I did simply because my eye was always on the happy ending and not actually on how awful he was making me feel in the present moment.



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Love addiction in a nutshell
The relationship usually begins with a bang. “Wow,” he thinks, “she’s perfect she cares so much, she makes me a better person”.  “Yes” she sighs, “I can really like this guy he really seems to adore me.” And from there begins a whirlwind of passion until reality sets in. Loving becomes loving too much when your partner is inappropriate, uncaring or emotionally unavailable and yet we are unable to give him up. In fact, we often try harder to please him, wanting him even more.

The men in these relationships are initially attracted to women whom they see as flawless, giving and loving saviours. They hope and pray that finally they’ve met the woman who can make up for all their pain and heal all their wounds and fill the hole that they feel is missing in there lives. (It all makes sense to me now when I recently dug out a letter he wrote after two weeks of being with him, I quote, “I am falling for you because” wait for it… “because you make me a better version of myself”.  There was my first warning sign – he wasn’t happy within himself!).  These men soon become bitter and disillusioned when they inevitably discover that yet another “woman of their dreams” cannot make them feel better about themselves. Soon they retract (pushing you away), causing the woman who loves too much to do anything in her power to rescue the relationship, to meet her need for the perfect fantasy fairytale. This is by far the most awful heart-wrenching position to be in.

It’s no coincidence that “these” men with issues choose “those” women who are generally giving, warm and loving women to be with. Realising that “these” men will never be fulfilled unless they acknowledge their behaviour, is the turning point for any women who are “loving too much”. At this point you can get your running trainers on and run for dear life!

All of us have will at one time in our lives love too much I’m sure. The problem arises when we move from one painful relationship to the next. Recognising the pattern of this addiction can take a long time but when you finally do you can do something about it.  You may need to spend time with a therapist, as I did, to build up your self esteem and confidence. The most important part of my therapy, after spending hours telling her my life story, was realising that “it wasn’t me”.  I look back at this period of my life now and cringe at the fact that, no matter how many times he rejected me, I still came running when he clicked his fingers. Where the heck was my self worth?!

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For women, some of the symptoms of “loving too much” are:
* Being attracted to distant, troubled men who need your help.
* Neglecting friends and your own personal interests to be available for your man.
* Feeling empty without him, though being with him is often a disaster.
* Staying with the relationship, even though it may jeopardise your physical and/or emotional well-being.
* Fantasising about how perfect it could be, i.e. the ‘fairytale ending’

If this rings a bell for you, then I would recommend reading a book called “Women who love to much”, and another great book is “Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl”. I couldn’t understand why he said he loved me but no matter how wonderful I was being I couldn’t make him happy. Well reading these two books and having therapy made me realise “there is nothing wrong with me” and the relationship could NEVER work. Why? Because I could try, try and try again but until he was happy within himself even the most beautiful and flawless of women couldn’t fill his emptiness in the long term. I hope if he hasn’t found this out already that one day he will, because it’s a sad reality to think that he could be like this forever and end up on his own. Nobody should be alone.

It’s so sad to let go of the person you love so much but I promise you love is not meant to mean being constantly rejected and hurt!  There is a wonderful person out there that will embrace every good and bad part of you,  and here is the best bit – they wont reject you. So sit tight and enjoy the ride and make sure you never “love too much” again.

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