Posts Tagged: moving on

12 July
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The man that found me impossible to be with, and without

So I had a boyfriend once who loved me so much that he found it impossible to live without me, but at the same time impossible to be with me. Those were his exact words. It doesn’t really make sense does it, read on and it will.

Before I continue, let me tell you that we were so in love, our love life was mostly incredible, we fancied the pants off each other, socialised with friends and generally got on very well – our compatibility was not the problem.

The pain of this relationship was horrendous because I didn’t understand how he could love me so much but treat me so badly. Of course it makes perfect sense to me now. He really did love me that much but his overwhelming love sent him into a crazy sense of insecurity that caused him to the act like a complete idiot.

Me with Poppy

Me with Poppy

As part of the therapy I have been in for “loving too much”, it’s all about understanding what it is that they do. In the true spirit of the “loving too much” pattern, I ended up blaming myself for everything that was going wrong. If I change this, if I do that, if I buy this. STOP!!!! I can hear my therapist shouting at me……

“Nicola can’t you see, you are a beautiful women inside and out but this is the problem! Nothing you do will change the qualities in this man for him to be able to handle everything that is so great about you. Of course he hides behind an emotional barrier, pushes you away, seeks attention from other women and claims he can’t be himself around you. He is an incredibly insecure man that feels inferior around you.

“In psychological terms this is called an inferiority complex and inferiority comes from severe insecurity. So to act against his true feelings towards you which is love is to protect himself from every feeling of insecurity eating him up inside. Of course this is a subconscious feeling in him, therefore it would really take some doing to change it because, in his eyes, this isn’t the problem”

So messed up isn’t it? The man that adores this beautiful women will never actually get to keep the girl he is so utterly in love with, he is far to busy pointing the finger and looking elsewhere for an answer as to why he feels this way instead of actually facing himself. You know what the crazy thing is, generally he isn’t a bad person but insecurity can lead us to act in the most ridiculous of ways.

Me with Sheree Murphy on holiday recently in Marbs

Me with Sheree Murphy on holiday recently in Marbs

So what’s my advice here. You must not blame yourself for his ill behaviour in your relationship. It’s his own insecurities that lead him to treat you the way he does – constant rejection, keeping you at arm’s length, constantly picking out faults in you, and even cheating. This is his problem not yours! Don’t become a shadow of yourself, tip-toeing around him, loosing self-esteem and self-worth because of someone else’s issues. Sadly he may not ever change so you may have to face the reality of spending forever with a man like this or make the brave decision to move on.

I have been giving you little snippets from the book I am writing about “loving too much”. I really hope I can help the many wonderful women who feel so much pain within there relationships. You guys have given me the most amazing feedback about the “love” blogs, which has given me the confidence to write a book, so thank you so much!

Love, Nic x

25 June
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Being sad: the end of a relationship

Being sad because I didn’t feel sad…

Something made me sad this week. For a long time I have woken up every morning with an ache in my heart and an empty feeling in my tummy because, from the second I open my eyes, the first thing I think about is the fact I am not with the man I love anymore. But this week something happened… I woke up on Wednesday, ate breakfast, pottered about, had a shower and sat in front of the mirror to dry my hair  and then I realised it was the first day for months that he wasn’t the first thought in my head. This is huge, right? I mean this is some serious progress. But then came the sinking feeling again – does this mean he has stopped thinking about me too?

As crazy as it sounds, I had wished and prayed for the night to come where he wasn’t all I dreamt about. To wake up and just think about anything other than him! Well this day came and it still left me with sadness! Do we just love a bit of pain or what? Am I really admitting to being sad because I didn’t feel sad?!

Relationship woes

I totally realise that this is all a process and time is the best remedy for a broken heart. There are times where you wish you could hide away in a dark room for days and you don’t ever think you will get over the pain. But before you know it you get these moments, like I did, when you realise that you’re making progress.

Despite my moment of feeling sad for the sake of feeling sad, I am in a pretty awesome place right now. I can honestly say I haven’t felt this complete in myself ever! I have the most exciting business opportunities and I have met the most amazing people over the last few weeks. My feet haven’t touched the ground and I feel truly grateful for the new path I am on. I can’t wait to share it all with you in more detail, however it’s pretty late now and I am off to Turkey tomorrow to visit the factory that are making all the garments for my fashion label so I am going to pop myself off to bed.

The moral of this blog is a simple one – have faith in time, it really is the best healer. Each baby step is HUGE progress! Be proud of every little step because they all count.

I’ll be back soon!

Nx

02 May
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Turning my life around

Two months ago I felt like my life was in the gutter. I was heartbroken after I moved out of Jeff’s house with nowhere to live, I was trying to manage a failing business and be a great mum to Poppy. I felt like an absolute failure to my daughter and to my family who had such high hopes for me. How has this happened to me? Why am I not someone’s everything? How can I be living in my friend’s spare room with my four year old because I simply have no other options? And why is my business failing when I work so hard on it? What a loser!

Well guess what? I’m not a loser I’m human – and I was stuck in a horrible mess that only I could get myself out of. For weeks I felt like there was no hope for me, it didn’t matter how hard I was working to fix it all, I was still getting knocked back down.

After reading every self-help book under the sun I took the pointers I needed and started rebuilding my life again, and I had every reason to. Poppy. This beautiful little girl cannot see my world falling apart, I need to show her the strength and courage I hope she will learn from and use herself one day if she needs too.

So these are a few of the steps I gave myself

Learn to love yourself
Really? Love myself… I have felt unloved for a very long time, so how an earth can I love myself? Der!!!! I had it all wrong, in order to be loved you need to love and respect yourself first. How could I ever expect to get the respect and love I want in my life if I don’t treat myself well. Ok so this doesn’t happen overnight but just knowing this fact is a start and finally I know and believe I am worthy of a lot more than what I have allowed.

Surround yourself with loving, caring and motivating people

These are the people that believe in you no matter what, the people that lift you when your down and keep you grounded when your up.

Piccie of me and Jeff enjoying a fun night out with our friends.

Piccie of me and Jeff enjoying a fun night out with our friends.

Remove The Negative
I had do to this in business, I was very close to entering into a very exciting business partnership which I needed more than anything to take my company to where it needed to go, but the downside was I had a bad feeling about the person I was entering into business with. I was torn between feeling like I needed this person to make my business a success and getting out of it before it was to late. I took a huge risk and pulled out of the deal before it was signed and I have felt nothing but relief since. Phew!

Get a proper job!
Eeeeeek, I have had my own fashion business for a long time so getting a proper job didn’t even enter my head. I realised I needed a stable income and routine in my life. And this was the real turning point for me. I work part-time for a company doing a bit of PR and sales, and this has enabled me to still work on my own company.

Ok so these are just a few of the many steps I have taken and without boring you to tears about everything that happened in-between I began to believe in myself again, my capabilities and I most certainly know my worth now. I have found the most perfect little house for me and Poppy and it seems the few weeks apart from Jeff is exactly what we both needed. So our future is looking exceptionally bright and we are very much in love. There is no question this is the man I want to spend forever with, I am very proud of the steps he has taken to show his love to me. Its so nice to have that “sure” feeling in your tummy and I finally have this about everything. I feel so excited about the future.

The biggest lesson I have learnt from this to never loose belief, if someone knocks you down get back up, trust your intuition and don’t be scared to take a step back in order to take huge steps forward. I haven’t felt this happy in a long long time but it hasn’t come without a tumble here and there. Keep the faith.

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