So I had a boyfriend once who loved me so much that he found it impossible to live without me, but at the same time impossible to be with me. Those were his exact words. It doesn’t really make sense does it, read on and it will.
Before I continue, let me tell you that we were so in love, our love life was mostly incredible, we fancied the pants off each other, socialised with friends and generally got on very well – our compatibility was not the problem.
The pain of this relationship was horrendous because I didn’t understand how he could love me so much but treat me so badly. Of course it makes perfect sense to me now. He really did love me that much but his overwhelming love sent him into a crazy sense of insecurity that caused him to the act like a complete idiot.
As part of the therapy I have been in for “loving too much”, it’s all about understanding what it is that they do. In the true spirit of the “loving too much” pattern, I ended up blaming myself for everything that was going wrong. If I change this, if I do that, if I buy this. STOP!!!! I can hear my therapist shouting at me……
“Nicola can’t you see, you are a beautiful women inside and out but this is the problem! Nothing you do will change the qualities in this man for him to be able to handle everything that is so great about you. Of course he hides behind an emotional barrier, pushes you away, seeks attention from other women and claims he can’t be himself around you. He is an incredibly insecure man that feels inferior around you.
“In psychological terms this is called an inferiority complex and inferiority comes from severe insecurity. So to act against his true feelings towards you which is love is to protect himself from every feeling of insecurity eating him up inside. Of course this is a subconscious feeling in him, therefore it would really take some doing to change it because, in his eyes, this isn’t the problem”
So messed up isn’t it? The man that adores this beautiful women will never actually get to keep the girl he is so utterly in love with, he is far to busy pointing the finger and looking elsewhere for an answer as to why he feels this way instead of actually facing himself. You know what the crazy thing is, generally he isn’t a bad person but insecurity can lead us to act in the most ridiculous of ways.
So what’s my advice here. You must not blame yourself for his ill behaviour in your relationship. It’s his own insecurities that lead him to treat you the way he does – constant rejection, keeping you at arm’s length, constantly picking out faults in you, and even cheating. This is his problem not yours! Don’t become a shadow of yourself, tip-toeing around him, loosing self-esteem and self-worth because of someone else’s issues. Sadly he may not ever change so you may have to face the reality of spending forever with a man like this or make the brave decision to move on.
I have been giving you little snippets from the book I am writing about “loving too much”. I really hope I can help the many wonderful women who feel so much pain within there relationships. You guys have given me the most amazing feedback about the “love” blogs, which has given me the confidence to write a book, so thank you so much!