Being sad: the end of a relationship

Being sad because I didn’t feel sad…

Something made me sad this week. For a long time I have woken up every morning with an ache in my heart and an empty feeling in my tummy because, from the second I open my eyes, the first thing I think about is the fact I am not with the man I love anymore. But this week something happened… I woke up on Wednesday, ate breakfast, pottered about, had a shower and sat in front of the mirror to dry my hair  and then I realised it was the first day for months that he wasn’t the first thought in my head. This is huge, right? I mean this is some serious progress. But then came the sinking feeling again – does this mean he has stopped thinking about me too?

As crazy as it sounds, I had wished and prayed for the night to come where he wasn’t all I dreamt about. To wake up and just think about anything other than him! Well this day came and it still left me with sadness! Do we just love a bit of pain or what? Am I really admitting to being sad because I didn’t feel sad?!

Relationship woes

I totally realise that this is all a process and time is the best remedy for a broken heart. There are times where you wish you could hide away in a dark room for days and you don’t ever think you will get over the pain. But before you know it you get these moments, like I did, when you realise that you’re making progress.

Despite my moment of feeling sad for the sake of feeling sad, I am in a pretty awesome place right now. I can honestly say I haven’t felt this complete in myself ever! I have the most exciting business opportunities and I have met the most amazing people over the last few weeks. My feet haven’t touched the ground and I feel truly grateful for the new path I am on. I can’t wait to share it all with you in more detail, however it’s pretty late now and I am off to Turkey tomorrow to visit the factory that are making all the garments for my fashion label so I am going to pop myself off to bed.

The moral of this blog is a simple one – have faith in time, it really is the best healer. Each baby step is HUGE progress! Be proud of every little step because they all count.

I’ll be back soon!

Nx

Women who love too much

Loving too much is an actual addiction for some people, as destructive as gambling and even alcohol. I’m learning about this addiction that affects so many women, leading to painful and destructive relationships.

There was a point in my life that I “loved too much” and for 18 months the relationship tore my heart out time and time again. I finally lost all my confidence and self-esteem, leading me to a world of constant insecurity and a complete lack of self-worth.  Luckily for me I’m fairly open-minded so I took myself off to see a therapist that specialises in this type of feeling within relationships. And thank god I did!  From that point on I was able to see that my desperation for a fairytale relationship was causing me to love too much, i.e. I was suffering from a ‘love addiction’.  With this ‘diagnosis’ and a true understanding of the effects I was finally able to let go and move as far away as possible from a man that had me on a piece of string for way longer than I should have allowed. Something I did simply because my eye was always on the happy ending and not actually on how awful he was making me feel in the present moment.



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Love addiction in a nutshell
The relationship usually begins with a bang. “Wow,” he thinks, “she’s perfect she cares so much, she makes me a better person”.  “Yes” she sighs, “I can really like this guy he really seems to adore me.” And from there begins a whirlwind of passion until reality sets in. Loving becomes loving too much when your partner is inappropriate, uncaring or emotionally unavailable and yet we are unable to give him up. In fact, we often try harder to please him, wanting him even more.

The men in these relationships are initially attracted to women whom they see as flawless, giving and loving saviours. They hope and pray that finally they’ve met the woman who can make up for all their pain and heal all their wounds and fill the hole that they feel is missing in there lives. (It all makes sense to me now when I recently dug out a letter he wrote after two weeks of being with him, I quote, “I am falling for you because” wait for it… “because you make me a better version of myself”.  There was my first warning sign – he wasn’t happy within himself!).  These men soon become bitter and disillusioned when they inevitably discover that yet another “woman of their dreams” cannot make them feel better about themselves. Soon they retract (pushing you away), causing the woman who loves too much to do anything in her power to rescue the relationship, to meet her need for the perfect fantasy fairytale. This is by far the most awful heart-wrenching position to be in.

It’s no coincidence that “these” men with issues choose “those” women who are generally giving, warm and loving women to be with. Realising that “these” men will never be fulfilled unless they acknowledge their behaviour, is the turning point for any women who are “loving too much”. At this point you can get your running trainers on and run for dear life!

All of us have will at one time in our lives love too much I’m sure. The problem arises when we move from one painful relationship to the next. Recognising the pattern of this addiction can take a long time but when you finally do you can do something about it.  You may need to spend time with a therapist, as I did, to build up your self esteem and confidence. The most important part of my therapy, after spending hours telling her my life story, was realising that “it wasn’t me”.  I look back at this period of my life now and cringe at the fact that, no matter how many times he rejected me, I still came running when he clicked his fingers. Where the heck was my self worth?!

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For women, some of the symptoms of “loving too much” are:
* Being attracted to distant, troubled men who need your help.
* Neglecting friends and your own personal interests to be available for your man.
* Feeling empty without him, though being with him is often a disaster.
* Staying with the relationship, even though it may jeopardise your physical and/or emotional well-being.
* Fantasising about how perfect it could be, i.e. the ‘fairytale ending’

If this rings a bell for you, then I would recommend reading a book called “Women who love to much”, and another great book is “Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl”. I couldn’t understand why he said he loved me but no matter how wonderful I was being I couldn’t make him happy. Well reading these two books and having therapy made me realise “there is nothing wrong with me” and the relationship could NEVER work. Why? Because I could try, try and try again but until he was happy within himself even the most beautiful and flawless of women couldn’t fill his emptiness in the long term. I hope if he hasn’t found this out already that one day he will, because it’s a sad reality to think that he could be like this forever and end up on his own. Nobody should be alone.

It’s so sad to let go of the person you love so much but I promise you love is not meant to mean being constantly rejected and hurt!  There is a wonderful person out there that will embrace every good and bad part of you,  and here is the best bit – they wont reject you. So sit tight and enjoy the ride and make sure you never “love too much” again.

Yoga is for everyone!

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It’s no secret that exercise and I are not the best of friends. I wish I could be the type of person to exercise everyday. I see so many people cycling, my friends are always going to the gym and some of my nearest and dearest have even run marathon or two in their time. So, I’ve been left behind for long enough and it seems that action must be taken.

Nevertheless, there is one form of exercise that intrigues me the most. Yoga! A few stretches here and there…. Easy right? Little did I know yoga is a tough workout but also a workout with so many benefits that it can leave you walking away feeling on top of the world, and it’s suitable for anybody. You can take it as easy as you want or you can really push yourself like I have.

So, this week I took myself over to my good friend, Laura Hamilton’s house with two yoga mats courtesy of the wonderful yoga brand Gaiam and tested out my first fitness session in the sunshine of Laura’s garden. Admittedly it was a bit of a giggle and we gossiped most of the way through, but it inspired me to go to a more professional class. Since then, I have done three classes in a week which has now left me feeling absolutely buzzing!

I can give you all the life coaching tips in the world from my experiences but what will complement any self-help you are doing is exercise in whatever form you decide suits you best.

 

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We use time as an excuse, especially if you have children and work commitments. But this is where I’ve found that DVD’s can come in handy. They’re cheaper than a gym membership and you can try your hand at all those tricky yoga poses in the comfort of your living room. For just £24.99 you can buy a beginners yoga kit which includes a DVD a lovely yoga mat and some other yoga bits to help you get started. The yoga kit I purchased was this Gaiam one I highly recommend you take a look.

Don’t make any more excuses, you can always find the time for at least a half and hour yoga fix and it’s always going to leave you feeling great at the end of it.
Yoga really is for everyone!

First lesson in love

Photo by Martin Lee / Rex features

Photo by Martin Lee / Rex features

How Fear Could Cost You Your Loved One

There are two feelings that we associate with love; there is pain and there is pleasure. If we associate pain with love we will constantly push it away. I have previously had my heart broken and have been so guilty of holding onto this association. But if we change our mentality to associate love with pleasure then we will draw it to us.

What is love?
Love to me is laughing, smiling, cuddling, understanding, GIVING, compromise, forgiving, passion, butterflies, excitement, safety and oh there are so many other words I could use.

But what if we focus on the fact that being in love can hurt… It’s a fact, it can! In doing this it will only mean that we build up barriers and essentially not give the love we are fully capable of. And when you are not fully giving your love you will be sacrificing getting that special love in return.

Life has given us a gift, this gift is called COURAGE. If we used this wonderful gift we may be afraid but we go ahead and do it anyway, and this doesn’t just apply to love. The joy we can get from using our courage is undeniably worth it. Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers is a book I highly recommend anyone read.

An example of Someone with Fear in Love.
This person is scared to commit her love to the man she obviously adores… Why? She has her story. But her story will come at a cost. What is the cost? Eventually her on-off boyfriend will realise the commitment is not coming and will find a wonderful girl without a story/fear. The new girlfriend will give him every bit of her heart because she doesn’t have that fear. What is the consequence? This poor girl has lost the man she adores at the cost of a fear she didn’t have the courage to face and now she has to watch her man be happy with another girl. OUCH!

I get so excited when I talk about love, I accept that with love comes both pain and pleasure but I push away the pain and embrace everything pleasurable about having a loved one.

SO if to be scared of love could cost you the happiness of giving and receiving it, why would you embrace and validate this fear when it could cost you something so God damn wonderful!

Poppy gets a glam fashion week makeover

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So little Poppy walked into Essex Fashion Week in a pair of skinnies and a stripy jumper, but she walked out looking like she was dressed in Chanel, with her nails perfectly manicured and accessorised better than anyone else in there. Yes, my little Popster had been well and truly glammed up Essex-style and she thoroughly enjoyed every bit of it, as did I watching the satisfaction on her little face as she was being dolled up to the nines. We saw Aunty Lauren (Lauren Pope) at the show too, which was an added surprise. Poppy goes to her dad’s house every other weekend and with me working full-time, the odd free days we get together are spent visiting friends or family. So a day like this one is very rare. We had the most wonderful day at an event that really wasn’t geared up for four year olds, but just being together was enough.

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This trip showed me how special it is to have quality mummy and Poppy time. My little princess is the reason I smile on the toughest of days, she is my motivation for success and the reason I make careful decisions every day to set the best example I can for her. Our children learn from our every move so it’s so important we always have this in mind in our day-to-day actions and attitude towards life.

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Turning my life around

Two months ago I felt like my life was in the gutter. I was heartbroken after I moved out of Jeff’s house with nowhere to live, I was trying to manage a failing business and be a great mum to Poppy. I felt like an absolute failure to my daughter and to my family who had such high hopes for me. How has this happened to me? Why am I not someone’s everything? How can I be living in my friend’s spare room with my four year old because I simply have no other options? And why is my business failing when I work so hard on it? What a loser!

Well guess what? I’m not a loser I’m human – and I was stuck in a horrible mess that only I could get myself out of. For weeks I felt like there was no hope for me, it didn’t matter how hard I was working to fix it all, I was still getting knocked back down.

After reading every self-help book under the sun I took the pointers I needed and started rebuilding my life again, and I had every reason to. Poppy. This beautiful little girl cannot see my world falling apart, I need to show her the strength and courage I hope she will learn from and use herself one day if she needs too.

So these are a few of the steps I gave myself

Learn to love yourself
Really? Love myself… I have felt unloved for a very long time, so how an earth can I love myself? Der!!!! I had it all wrong, in order to be loved you need to love and respect yourself first. How could I ever expect to get the respect and love I want in my life if I don’t treat myself well. Ok so this doesn’t happen overnight but just knowing this fact is a start and finally I know and believe I am worthy of a lot more than what I have allowed.

Surround yourself with loving, caring and motivating people

These are the people that believe in you no matter what, the people that lift you when your down and keep you grounded when your up.

Piccie of me and Jeff enjoying a fun night out with our friends.

Piccie of me and Jeff enjoying a fun night out with our friends.

Remove The Negative
I had do to this in business, I was very close to entering into a very exciting business partnership which I needed more than anything to take my company to where it needed to go, but the downside was I had a bad feeling about the person I was entering into business with. I was torn between feeling like I needed this person to make my business a success and getting out of it before it was to late. I took a huge risk and pulled out of the deal before it was signed and I have felt nothing but relief since. Phew!

Get a proper job!
Eeeeeek, I have had my own fashion business for a long time so getting a proper job didn’t even enter my head. I realised I needed a stable income and routine in my life. And this was the real turning point for me. I work part-time for a company doing a bit of PR and sales, and this has enabled me to still work on my own company.

Ok so these are just a few of the many steps I have taken and without boring you to tears about everything that happened in-between I began to believe in myself again, my capabilities and I most certainly know my worth now. I have found the most perfect little house for me and Poppy and it seems the few weeks apart from Jeff is exactly what we both needed. So our future is looking exceptionally bright and we are very much in love. There is no question this is the man I want to spend forever with, I am very proud of the steps he has taken to show his love to me. Its so nice to have that “sure” feeling in your tummy and I finally have this about everything. I feel so excited about the future.

The biggest lesson I have learnt from this to never loose belief, if someone knocks you down get back up, trust your intuition and don’t be scared to take a step back in order to take huge steps forward. I haven’t felt this happy in a long long time but it hasn’t come without a tumble here and there. Keep the faith.

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